What the Sh*t is Rebecca Black?
So, originally, we were like, What the shit is this? What in the shit? Like, do people just not care if music sounds—not is, but sounds—awful? (We feel like we have to make that distinction: Britney Spears's music is awful. Uninspired, unimaginative, prepackaged, stupid lyrics, very little redeaming cultural value. But it's fun to listen to. Thus it does not sound awful. Rebecca Black sounds like one of those things people have to stick in their throat holes to talk after having throat cancer or something. Awful. Just awful.)
But then we realized that her notoriety is due entirely to the fact that people think she is awful. We sighed with relief, realizing that the world wasn't going to hell as quickly as we feared. But still, we were like, How the shit did this happen?
Here's how: Little Becky's mom and dad totally to her to the mall for her super sweet 13th. See Becs had thrown this gnarly tantrum cause she wasn't getting the attention that her Jewish friends were getting for their Bat Mitzvahs, so in stead of slapping thier stupidly unself-aware daughter directly in the mouth, Mum and Dad took their jewel of a daughter to Ark Music Factory's kiosk. The flopped down like $2k or something and went to grab a couple blue lagoon margaritas at Applebee's while BeccaBoo happily insterted tokens into the songwriter, AutoTune, skeeball and making-the-video machines. When Marmie and Papa got back they found their little girl was suddenly a YouTube sensation! The Ark Music guy was like, "We haz a hit!" And Rebs was all like "I! Want! A Cinnabon!" and Mamma was like, "After Good Morning America, poopkin." And Rebecca shrieked, "NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!" And she was famous, loved by totally non-insane arbiters of culture like Gaga and Chris Brown and Simon Cowell. Just like an American dream come true! And all the world sang along: "Friday! Friday! Which seat do I want! Sunday comes next! Oooooh, yeah!"
