Mod Fam: The AntiBlog Recap
We have a confession to make—and by “we” I mean I, me, your AntiTwink editor; I speak for no one other than myself on this one; the cheese stands alone. We hate Modern Family. Like, we get that it’s really great and culturally significant that this lame show is so damn popular and critically acclaimed since two of it’s main characters are gay dudes raising a baby together, and it’s like progress that the mindless idiots who are also into The Middle—fucking Patricia Heaton!—have made Mod Fam a success. But the fact remains that it’s a pretty lame show. Annoying characters, clunky plot devices, the set-ups are absurdly obvious and you can see the punch lines coming from a mile away. As evidence, we submit to you two instances of epic lameness from season one: First, the ungodly awful iPad episode, which amounted to little more than a 21 minute infomercial. We hope those actors and writers were proud of themselves when they wrapped that one. Second, the season one finale, wherein the bitchy blond gets all Patricia Heaton-bitchy trying to get her extended family photographed. Did anyone not see that mud fight coming two minutes in when she’s bitching about everyone needing to wear white? Emmy Award-winning television, ladies and gentlemen.
And yet, America fucking loves this dreck. So we here at AntiTwink—again, just me, your editor—have decided to recap each episode of Modern Family as a sort of cultural rebuttal. Someone has to do it.
Last night on Modern Family, we learned that Claire is an insane bitch, Gloria can’t ride a bike and James Marsden is just ever so slightly more famous than Jami Gertz. We know this because he was all naked and wet in the previews for tonight’s episode. See, Cam and Mitchell, the gay dudes who never kiss and probably have never had sex, ever, with each other or anyone else, discover ol’ Mars Bar in their hot tub which they suddenly have always had. At first they’re scared, because they’re white and reasonably affluent, and if he’s using their Jacuzzi without permission he’s probably going to kill them too. Except then they realize that Mars Bar is hot and they begin to feel stirrings in long forgotten parts of themselves which they’ve repressed because they’re both gay and so frightfully unattractive. So they hop in the tub with this dude and decide to adopt him, because they’ve always wanted a sexy, flaky houseboy.
Meanwhile, during the daytime, hot housewife Claire is trying to destroy some evil speeder in the neighborhood. Her teenage daughter is all like, “This is embarrassing,” and everyone’s like, “You have crabs, go to the Olive Garden with grandma.” Phil, in a moment of uncharacteristic lucidity, suggests Claire simply call the cops, but the littlest Dunfy boy is all, “Fuck tha Po-lice!”
And also meanwhile, Al Bundy is teaching his hot Columbian porn star wife—who he definitely loves and has a lot in common with—and her 65 year old son how to ride a bike. So there’s that plotline.
Back over at 28 Barbary Lane, Cam is all dreamy about Mars Bar and out of nowhere Mitchell hates him because he’s flaky and believes in Eastern medicine that has been around for centuries. But then while Cam and the baby are out, Mars Bar gives Mitchell a hand job and he suddenly love him again and has to tell Cam he was wrong. Except that he’s not wrong, because it turns out Mars Bar is schizo and living in their Asian baby’s white lady princess castle.
So the boys decide to invite James Marsden into their bed and their lives in exchange for rent money. Mitchell is all like, “I want you to tie me up and stick metal rods up my urethra,” and Cam is like, “I just want to be held.” And when the Asian baby turns 14, the gays discover that she and James Marsden have been totally doing it, and they’re all like, “Gross!” because they’ve never had sex before, and the Asian baby who’s now 14 and James Marsden run away together and end up living in a trailer park in Colma.
So, back to the Dunfys. Turns out Jami Gertz isn’t a famous enough guest star to be in the ads for this week’s episode, but she is Phil’s real estate client and also Claire’s speeding archenemy! Drama! Cause this causes much “hilarious” anxiety for Phil, cause he’s trying to sell Jami Gertz’s house and Clair is trying to catch her and put her in jail for running down every child in the neighborhood except her own awful teenage daughter. And all the while, baby Dunfy is still like, “Fuck tha Po-lice!” There’s a sign involved that’s supposed to be funny because it says “Slow Down Your Neighbors,” which in reality isn’t funny at all, but everyone seems to recognize Jami Gertz’s license plate number on site, which is weird.
In the end, baby Dunfy shoots his jiggly step grandmother with a water gun, and she can suddenly ride her bike, and he’s like, “Bitch, why you ain’t wearin’ a white t-shirt?!” And Claire ends up at Jami Gertz’s house, not knowing that she’s the speed demon. Jamie Gertz offers to drive her home and then promptly wraps her car around a telephone pole, killing herself and Claire instantly. No one is particularly sad about this until the network calls to tell them that Patricia Heaton will be filling in for Claire, at which point Al Bundy rallies and pulls a Jonestown, poisoning the entire cast much like he did on Married With Children.
And Patricia Heaton continues her hideous reign of terror…
