Mod Fam: Stressed Out & Hysterical
It was another evening of Emmy award-winning comedy on this week’s episode of Modern Family, the show in which we modern Americans can watch our lives reflected in the trials and tribulations of three affluent, single-earner households. So relatable, this show! Such a slice of life!
Loveable doofus, Phil Dunphy is so lovable and doofusy! His sexy blond wife was all stressed about something retarded on the phone and he knew just what would cheer her up! A trip to the spa with these coupons that are about to expire! “Drop everything, honey, cause today’s your lucky day!” But Clair was too busy and sensible and borderline hysterical about everything—cause that’s how wives are; stressed out and hysterical—to go to the spa that day. She had to deal with whatever she was talking about on the phone—not trying to build suspense here, I genuinely have no idea what that was about and it totally didn’t factor into the rest of the episode, so whatever—plus her spoiled, annoying tween daughters were fighting over sweaters, and her son was nowhere to be found.
So Phil, being the family’s sole breadwinner, decided to blow off work and go to the spa himself. Swaddled in pristine white terry cloth, his hands encased in paraffin wax, Phil found solace and acceptance in the community of strong, independent ladies—only women go to spas, you see, cause real men don’t like relaxing or to have nice things done to any part of their body besides their penis—at the spa. They laughed, they cried. They talked about their feelings, and experienced a kind of bliss and serenity so rare in our hectic contemporary lives.
Meanwhile, the gays were mad at each other—so very mad!—because Mitchell the lawyer totally fucked up their Asian baby’s adoption papers. See he wasn’t sure that his stressed out and hysterical wife, Cam, had what it would take to be a daddy. (Well. Actually he totally knew that Cam had what it takes to be a daddy, cause, like that dude totally owns Mitchell’s flat ginger ass during their weekly scheduled love-making.) So, just to be safe in case the man who he’s in a committed long-term relationship with, whom he flew all the way to China or wherever to adopt a child with, just, you know, flaked a few weeks in, Mich didn’t hyphenate their last names on the baby’s birth certificate! Yeah, you heard right, Cam’s last name is actually his “daughter’s” middle name! Shocked and betrayed, Cam became even more stressed out an hysterical, flung himself upon the couple’s Chippendale chaise and wept.
And then there was something about Ed O’neil being old and Sophia Vergara getting weirded out about choosing a funeral plot. I really wasn’t paying attention. It all resolved itself in predictably sappy fashion. Whatever, moving on.
So Phil’s still at the spa and the ladies just find him to be charming. But wait! Oh no! Claire calls, shattering everyone’s peaceful zen-like aura. She’s freaking out cause one of the girls ripped the other one’s sweater and instead of being an adult and disciplining her spoiled, entitled teenage brats, she’s running around town trying to replace the sweater, terrified of what her 15-year-old daughter will do if she doesn’t replace it. Phil, having experienced enlightenment through new age music, whale noises and salt scrubs, points out that maybe Claire is overacting a little. And she’s all like, “Fuck you! I just need you to make dinner!” Which, independent of the insanity, is actually a pretty reasonable request if you ask us.
Phil’s all like, “Sheesh, what’s her problem?” But, oh holy fuck, the bitches at the spa are having none of that! See they’re women and they are bound by the code of sisterhood to side with Claire. So they proceeded to explain to Phil the inane, Mars vs. Venus pop psychology behind successfully interacting with your spouse.
Basically it all boils down to this: women are always crazy and hysterical, men are stupid as fuck, and neither honest, open communication nor the suggestion of sensible solutions to problematic situations are ever to be attempted. Armed with this information, Phil Dunphy returned home knowing to only ever tell his wife exactly what she wants to hear. Dr. Phil and the misogynist assholes that used to write for Everybody Loves Raymond would be proud of those spa women.
And as for the gays, they pretty much resolved their storyline conflict by being all like “Oopsie! Sorry! I’ll fix it in the morning.” Really. That’s pretty much it.
Ed O’Neil and Sophia Vergara’s tits escaped from the cave of the damned where they’d been entombed all episode long and decide, when the time comes, that instead of picking out a spot in a mausoleum or getting matching headstones, they will simply make a pyre of their home and burn together in the cleansing, purifying flames. And when the rest of the family comes to sift through the ashes of their life together, all they will find amongst the rubble, will be two perfect silicone spheres, miraculously untouched by the blaze. And these will be passed down through the generations as a symbol of their undying and totally age-appropriate and non-depressing love.
