Mod Fam: Hangry Hangry V-Day
Valentine’s Day on Modern Family can only mean one thing: The epic, highly anticipated return of Clyde and Juliana!
Let that sink in.
Whoa! Whooo! Wowwowee!
Wait. What?
Yeah, so apparently on last season’s obnoxious Valentine’s Day episode (because every TV producer knows that we, the viewing public, expect an episode centered around every holiday, every year, and that that kind of lazy, uninspired writing never ever gets old at all) Phil and Claire did this gross middle aged person thing were they pretended to be other people and it was supposed to be sexy, but turned out—surprise—disastrous!
But this year the Dunphys decided to just have a normal old boring old Valentine’s Day, where they do what all middle age couples do, which is go out to dinner. Mmmm, dinner. Do I want to cook tonight—there’s some ground lamb in the freezer. Or I could order in. Chinese or a sub? Chinese or a sub? If I get a sub I can get a fries and a salad with it, which kinda seems more healthy than greasy dumplings and fried rice. Or do I want General Tso’s chicken? And how do you pronounce Tso, anyway. Is it “cho” to “tssso?”
Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Mod Fam.
So, there’s all these old people at the restaurant and Claire decides she’s not ready for the early bird special yet. So she call’s Phil’s cell from the maitre’d station pretending to be Juliana and…It’s on! Off they go to a hotel! To get a room! You can probably already see where this is going.
(An hour and 15 minutes for a sub? Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking Bushwick! Chinese it is…)
Meanwhile Jay and Sofia Vergara were going to dinner too. Really, that’s about it.
And in Gaytown, Cam in convinced that Mitchell’s assistant has a big ol’ crush on him—Mitchell, that is—and is being all kindsa shady and trying to sabotage their Valentine’s Day. Except, wait! Cam visits the office and—drama—the assistant is actually into him! Cam! Big fat Cam! Of course! Why didn’t he see this before?
So now Cam is all smug and shit, and when the gays go to dinner (at the same restaurant as Phil and Claire and Jay and Sofia Vergara’s tits!) Mitchell is jealous because, ugh! He’s the cute one! This dissolves into something really stupid that I just do not care about. Cause if this was real life, those gays would totally all have a threesome. And it would be gross.
What I do care about is Haley Dunphy’s stellar babysitting skills. This tween twit totally leaves her infant Asian cousin in the expert care of her brain-damaged baby brother while she and her step-uncle, Roly Poly Magoo head upstairs to talk about their feelings or some shit. Dumb. Cause that Asian baby is some kind of insane kleptomaniacal flesh eating monster. So, that’s the end of that littlest Dunphy kid.
Back at the hotel bar, Phil and Claire—sorry, Clyde and Juliana—are having appletinis. Gross. So Juliana tells Clyde to meet her in her room. So she goes up to her room. And she calls Clyde from the bathroom. And Clyde gets all comfy and naked on the bed. And, oh no! It’s the wrong room!
Anyone else care to explain how the hell Clyde—Phil!—managed to get into someone else’s room? Anyone? No? Fine. Moving on.
Little fatty pants was trying to put the moves on Haley Dunphy by helping her get all self-actualized or something, when her boyfriend, Joey Lawrence, showed up with his band and a haircut. And everyone is in love because of his stupid song: Phil and Claire, Jay and Sophia Vergara’s tits, the lumpy unattractive gay couple and every delivery boy, third tier office worker, and web porn I.T. guy in L.A. (or wherever the hell this stupid show takes place). Love. Lumpy, saggy, annoying, inappropriate, underage love.
Meanwhile, my fucking General Tso’s isn’t here yet!
