Mod Fam: Croctopussy!
So many very boring things happened on this week’s episode of Modern Family: Mitchell might have a little ginger love child! Jay and Gloria have irritating houseguests! Claire and Phil worry that they might be stupid! And yet another Dunphy child goes missing—and no one even notices!
Sexless life partners Mitchell and Cam are out for a stroll around the mall with their apparently kleptomaniacal Asian baby. Seriously, that kid keeps stealing things during the entire episode! Toy harmonicas, sunglasses, skull ashtrays from Spencer Gifts, cuticle creams from those depressing little mall kiosks… Meanwhile, the gays run into Mitchell’s high school girlfriend, that weird, depressing-looking chick from 24. So they’re all like, “Hey, lady!” And she’s like, “Oh, for Christ’s sake!” Cause, you know, she’s all semi-traumatized by dating a gay dude in high school and can never trust men again because of that formative experience. So she’s like, “Nice baby,” and they’re like “What baby?” and she’s like “Enjoy your gay lives.”
BUT! It turns out that Mitchell totally slipped her the ol’ disco stick at their high school reunion years and years ago. AND he spies her with a wee ginger boy who obvs is his Daddy Baby. Scandal! So Cam has to have his own reaction to this, while Baby Sticky Fingers is pinching some sandalwood incense and a memory foam pillow.
Somewhere else in Southern California, Gloria invites some couple that Jay hates to stay with them for the night. Who knows why? Are they swingers? Who cares?
And over at the Dunphy’s, Claire and Phil notice that their lesbian daughter is really stressed out about some test or something. Like, TMJ, eating her own hair and cutting herself stressed out! The kid probably needs some serious counseling. But instead of dealing with their clearly troubled child, Claire and Phil make the problem all about them! See, in several epic leaps, the Dunphys conclude that their daughter is stressed out because she’s not as smart as some Indian kid in her class, and she’s not as smart as this Indian kid because they, Phil and Claire, are not as smart as that Indian kid’s parents. So they decide to go see Croctopus.
Meanwhile, nobody knows where eldest, sluttiest Dunphy sibling Haley is. And nobody seems to care. Have you seen Last House On the Left? Clearly the Dunphys haven’t either.
So Claire and Phil run into the Indian kid’s Indian parents at the movies and Claire feels all pressured to go and sleep through the French movie they’re seeing while Phil enjoys Croctopus. Except Phil really doesn’t go to Croctopus. He sneaks out of the multiplex and goes to closest porno shop and spends the afternoon in a sweat and sperm stinking video booth watching 45 year-old ladies get it on with crocodiles. Yes! Croctopussy! Later, Phil and Claire decide they’re just fine with being dumbasses, and return home to find their lesbian daughter carving the answers to tomorrow’s quiz into her inner thigh. Ah, parenting!
Ok, what else…Oh yeah, Mitchell and Cam head over to Mitchell’s high school girlfriend’s house to confront her about their secret ginger love child. Can I just be real for a minute here and say that the way this whole scene played out sounded like the guys were totally trying to set up a threeway with this woman’s kid. I totally expected Unfortunate Looking Actress from 24 to admit that she’s a teacher and ginger boy is her student and she’s having an affair with him, and Mitch and Cam would be all like, “Yeah! We want in on that action!”
Gross. No, what happened was this: Mitch and Butterface’s kid is actually a 35 year-old midget. Jesus, how long ago was that high school reunion? So, anyway, the guys want nothing to do with this freak and run screaming from the house. Meanwhile, in her secret vault, Asian Baby is taking stock of all her pilfered mall treasures: stacks Dan Brown paperbacks, a Sharper Image foot bath, jars and jars of Yankee candles, one of those water massage coffin-looking things…
