FREE SEX: Cheating and Feeling
(photo by Maurizio Fornino)
By Peter “Pony” Clement
Men have a hard time—pun intended—keeping it in their pants. Cue the collective eye-roll heard around the world from anyone who's ever been cheated on. This is no surprise, as men have a tendency to think with their dicks more often than with their brains.
The stereotype of men being completely detached from emotion when it comes to sex is, to me, a total cop out, and before you start huffing and puffing and clutching your pearls in a vain attempt to regain your masculinity, hear me out. Women always get stiffed—again pun intended—when it comes to this issue. Men claim women become obsessed, jealous, and overbearing after sex is a part of the equation, and that it’s the fairer sex who end up being an emotional wreck when things go south in the relationship and men are again burdened with all of these icky feelings.
So why is it when a man is cheated on, and I hear about it, the guy's the one who's all so emotional. It’s just sex. Or is it?
Yes, women are biologically designed, I personally believe, through psychosomatic mental programming over thousands of years, thanks to men, to become emotionally involved with their partner after intercourse. But with new perspective on relationships and sex, not all women have this mindset.
Men have a less invested approach, complete with the ability to engage multiple partners, sometimes simultaneously, with very little emotion at stake. Hence the stereotype of men—especially gay men—being major sluts. But is it possible that deep down these men who suck and fuck left and right and all over town have—gasp!—feelings too? It would go against everything being a man stands for, but yes, it is very possible.
Separating love and sex is easier said than done. Ask anyone who's been in a long-term relationship. Most couples I know who are in long-term relationships these days are in open relationships of some sort. The degrees of openness vary and cannot be defined, because like everything else in a relationship it all depends on the unique circumstances of the situation. The topic of open relationships will be saved for another column, but what I'm getting at is that feelings do exist in these situations that seem to be all about sex.
The ability to bring sexual partners into a partnership consensually can be successful, but bringing them in without consent from half of that partnership can have disastrous results. What do those results boil down to? Feelings of jealousy, betrayal, and resentment. That's right: feelings, attached to sex.
The cheater is completely aware of the choice he is making. Blame it on the alcohol, the lighting, boredom, whatever. In the end, the subliminal choice is made to act out against the person you care for. And yes, it is a selfish choice, but in the end both parties suffer. Not only from karma—which is a grade A bitch—but from the emotional ramifications of the choice to use sex to distance yourself from the relationship you’re in. It's a chicken shit way out, but an out none the less.
For the one being cheated on, maybe it’s something you can overlook for the sake of your relationship. Maybe you can find a way to come to terms with the sexual meanderings of your partner. Or maybe some masochistic pleasure is taken from being treated in such a manner. Whatever the case, the trust that was once there is no longer in place, and the constant nagging feeling that maybe you’re selling yourself short is always in the back of your head.
Monogamy only works if there is complete understanding and communication between partners, otherwise the wandering eye will become the wandering penis, and that wandering penis then becomes the reason why your relationship ends. If sex is so detached from the emotions of love, trust, and support that define a healthy relationship, why is it that that relationship then dies because of that wandering penis? It's because underneath the tough, armor-wearing exterior, there is a heart there that feels the betrayal of infidelity. Chances are, those feelings won't be able to be repaired. Maybe they can be, but more often than not when people break up, the combination of sex and emotion are the culprits. But you already knew that.
Feel free to send love mail, hate mail, questions, concerns, whatever, to me, Pony, at: ponyboypc@gmail.com.
